What is Marriage?

Marriage—such a simple word, yet it holds a world of complexity, meaning, and expectations. Is it the meeting of two minds, two souls, two bodies, two societies, or even two lifestyles? The answer seems simple on the surface, but when you dig deeper, many questions arise. Is marriage limited to just two people? What about the parents, children, siblings, and extended family? How do they become part of this union? And what about friends and past lovers? 

Fidelity: A Form of Sacrifice

Fidelity is often considered a core element of marriage—a form of sacrifice that many cannot fully comprehend. From childhood, we are fed a very idealistic view of marriage through books and movies. Love at first sight, maybe through an introduction by friends or family, followed by the various stages of love—crushes, lust, care. Eventually, the question arises: Is this the person I want to have children with? Is this the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life?

Most of the stories we read or watch end in a “happily ever after.”

But what happens when you close the book, rise from your chair, and face real life? Human emotions and needs come into play—far more complex than the tidy endings we’re used to seeing. Though emotions are often considered a woman’s domain and needs more associated with men, reality doesn’t conform to these simplified roles.

Emotional and Physical Infidelity: Which is Worse?

Emotional infidelity is taboo, just like physical infidelity. But which one is worse? Can you fall in love after marriage? What if the person you married changes, or turns out to be someone entirely different from what you thought? What if you married the wrong person? Is marriage supposed to be perfect? Or do you create your own rules within it?

What if your desires start to diverge from your partner's? There are so many “what ifs.” If you fall into the trap of doing the same things over and over, marriage can become an obligation. Some people accept this and move on, but for the more independent souls, a decision must be made: should you continue or break free? Breaking free may seem obvious in an abusive relationship, but what if it’s a happy marriage? People often say marriage is tough, but does it have to be?

The Many Types of Marriages

There are all sorts of marriages: marriages arranged as business agreements, marriages where one spouse holds all the power, marriages that exist to please the parents, marriages borne out of frustration, ego, or even pregnancy. And, of course, marriages rooted in friendship, compatibility, career advancement, and passion. But does this mean that love doesn’t exist in these marriages? What does love truly mean within the confines of marriage?

For many, love means being there for one another. But what about marriages in which physical presence is not possible? For instance, in the defense services, where spouses might be apart for long periods, does the distance change the meaning of love? Does love equate to spending time together? If so, what happens to couples in the IT industry, constantly caught in the whirlwind of deadlines and projects? Does marriage then become merely a legal obligation that allows two people to live together?

Intimacy: Can One Person Fulfill All Needs?

Yes, marriage is about intimacy—emotional, physical, and otherwise. But can one person provide everything another needs? Some couples discuss their needs openly, while others remain silent, often due to societal norms or ego. For those who communicate, it can lead to a fulfilling relationship where both partners grow together. But when communication breaks down, how can a marriage thrive?

Some couples know each other so well that words aren’t needed. They accept each other, and the unspoken understanding carries the relationship. In other cases, people may spend their entire lives being polite and civil without ever truly knowing the other person’s heart. Expressing your needs in a marriage can be fraught with difficulty.

The Question of Space and Freedom

What if one spouse says they need space? What if one asks for a guilt-free pass, or confesses a desire to end the marriage entirely? What happens when what makes one partner happy brings sadness to the other? Marriage is as unique as the individuals in it. Though sanctioned by society, it remains a deeply personal experience where couples must decide how they want to live.

At the core, marriage involves promises, but it also involves individual desires. Finding the balance between those promises and your own needs is a delicate dance. Can you truly make your partner happy if you aren’t happy yourself? Do you protect them with white lies, or do you share every detail, regardless of the emotional cost? Will you put their needs above your own, and will they do the same for you?

The Imbalance of Love

Rarely, if ever, do lovers give and receive love equally. At some point, your heart will break—perhaps before marriage, perhaps after. How do you cope with that inevitable moment? You will always love more at some points, and less at others. When the imbalance in love and effort shifts, you may find yourself wondering: What is marriage?

Marriage is about give and take. It’s a transaction, a balance, like a hug. Some hugs are mutual, warm embraces, while others are awkward, forced, or even indifferent. The moment that balance flips is when you start to ask, "What is marriage?"

If you’re struggling with this question, feel free to reach out to our counselors. We’re here to listen, empathetically and without judgment. Together, we can explore these questions in depth, until you find your own definition of marriage—one that brings you peace and fulfillment.

Therapy for Marriage: What to Consider

In therapy, we discuss many aspects of marriage, both before and after the union takes place. Here are some important points to consider.

Aspects to Consider Before Marriage:

Do you want to get married?
This fundamental question should be asked without the pressure of societal expectations or familial obligations.

Why do you want to get married?
Reflect on the personal reasons behind this decision. Are they rooted in love, companionship, or external pressures?

What are the pressures you are under currently?
Identifying these pressures can help you navigate whether your decision is truly yours.

How much of these pressures are affecting your decision?
Understanding external influences can prevent you from making choices that aren't aligned with your true desires.

What is your concept of marriage and love?
Define your own ideas of what marriage and love mean to you.

What are your thoughts about arranged marriage and love marriage, and what differentiates them?
Exploring your feelings on these traditions will help you understand where you stand and what resonates with you.

What qualities are you looking for in your spouse?
Consider the traits that matter most to you in a lifelong partner.

Have you already chosen the person you are going to spend your life with?
If so, have you had the necessary conversations?

Have you discussed the following with them?

Where will you live after marriage?

What chores and responsibilities will you share?

How many children do you plan to have?

If it's an inter-caste or inter-religion marriage, how will you navigate societal pressures? How will you decide on naming your children and choosing a religion for them?

Who will manage the finances, and how will you distribute your savings?

What boundaries will you establish in your marriage?

How will you resolve conflicts?

How will you communicate unmet needs?

What are your fears and insecurities?

What are your attachment styles, and how do you give and receive love?

How do you intend to handle differences of opinion with other family members?

Aspects to Consider After Marriage:

What are the current problems you are facing in your marriage?
Identifying the issues is the first step to resolving them.

What are the things you love about your marriage?
Reflect on what’s working well, and how you can nurture those aspects.

Who are the individuals you feel your marriage is being affected by?
Outside influences can significantly impact a relationship—understanding them helps you set boundaries.

What were your expectations about marriage, and how are you coping with reality?

Why are you unable to communicate certain things to your spouse?
If communication is difficult, therapy can help bridge the gap.

How are you handling things when your spouse doesn’t seem to listen to you?
Explore ways to communicate more effectively or address underlying issues.

How are you managing things related to children, and what expectations do you have from your spouse in this regard?

How are you managing time for yourself?
If you're not, what steps are you taking to create that space?

How are you balancing work life and family life?
Explore ways to handle pressures from both fronts without neglecting your personal well-being.

Marriage is a deeply personal journey that evolves over time. It’s important to keep asking questions, communicating openly, and seeking answers that resonate with both you and your partner. Whether through conversation or professional guidance, finding that balance in marriage is essential to a life filled with happiness and mutual growth.