Stonewalling and ghosting are common behaviors in modern relationships, yet they often leave behind a trail of emotional damage. These actions—whether conscious or subconscious—are employed as defence mechanisms, tools of control, or avoidance strategies. This article explores why people engage in these behaviours, the emotional fallout on both sides, and why the “out of sight, out of mind” mindset can be flawed. Additionally, we’ll delve into healthier ways to end relationships, manage conflict, and provide guidance for both those who stonewall and those who are on the receiving end.

Understanding Stonewalling and Ghosting

Stonewalling occurs when someone intentionally withdraws from a conversation or emotional engagement, shutting down communication entirely. The person stonewalling may refuse to listen, avoid eye contact, or dismiss the other person’s attempts to communicate. This behavior can happen during conflicts or be used as a prolonged tactic of avoidance, creating an emotional barricade.

Ghosting, a more modern term often associated with dating, refers to abruptly cutting off all communication with someone without explanation. The ghosted person is left in confusion, with no closure or understanding of why the relationship ended.

Though both behaviors are forms of emotional withdrawal, they occur on a spectrum. Stonewalling typically happens within the context of an ongoing relationship, while ghosting is often the final action in a relationship that abruptly ends.

 

Why People Engage in Stonewalling and Ghosting

1. Avoidance of Conflict: One of the primary reasons people stonewall or ghost is to avoid confrontation. They may feel overwhelmed by emotional intensity and choose to retreat rather than face difficult conversations. Ghosting, for instance, can seem easier than addressing why a relationship isn’t working.

2. Emotional Overwhelm: Some individuals may feel emotionally flooded during a conflict or stressful situation, causing them to shut down to self-protect. They may not know how to regulate their emotions and, as a result, withdraw completely.

3. Fear of Vulnerability: Both stonewalling and ghosting can stem from a fear of emotional vulnerability. Engaging in tough conversations or dealing with relationship problems requires emotional exposure. For those who struggle with intimacy, avoidance can feel safer.

4. Exerting Control: Sometimes, these behaviors are used as tools to exert control and power over the other person. By withholding communication or abruptly cutting off contact, the individual maintains dominance in the dynamic, leaving the other person in emotional limbo.

5. Immaturity or Lack of Emotional Skills: Ghosting can also be a sign of emotional immaturity or an inability to navigate difficult conversations. Rather than learning how to communicate effectively or handle conflict, the individual chooses to disengage entirely.

6. Defensive Mechanisms: Stonewalling, in particular, is a defensive mechanism that individuals use to protect themselves from feeling hurt, rejected, or criticized. By shutting down emotionally, they build a protective barrier, which prevents any perceived threats from penetrating.

 

Repercussions on the Giver and Receiver

On the Receiver Side:

1. Emotional Confusion and Pain: Being ghosted or stonewalled leaves the recipient in a state of confusion. They may obsessively replay interactions, questioning what went wrong, and may feel abandoned or rejected. Without closure, this emotional limbo can turn into prolonged grief, anxiety, and low self-esteem.

2. Loss of Trust: Over time, being subjected to stonewalling or ghosting can erode trust, not just with the individual engaging in these behaviors but in future relationships. The lack of communication fosters insecurity, making it harder to trust others.

3. Unresolved Conflict: The inability to resolve conflicts due to stonewalling or ghosting leaves emotional wounds festering. Unresolved issues can create resentment, bitterness, and, in some cases, trauma. 

4. Attachment Issues: People on the receiving end of ghosting or stonewalling may struggle with attachment issues. The fear of being suddenly abandoned or emotionally shut out can make them wary of forming close bonds with others.

On the Giver Side:

1. Guilt and Shame: Although people who ghost or stonewall may initially feel relief, they may later experience guilt or shame for how they handled the situation. Knowing that they caused someone else emotional pain can weigh on their conscience.

2. Difficulty with Emotional Growth: By avoiding conflict or emotional engagement, the person who stonewalls or ghosts avoids personal growth. They do not learn how to navigate difficult emotions or foster healthy communication, which can impair their ability to form deeper, more meaningful relationships.

3. Isolation: Repeatedly stonewalling or ghosting people may lead to loneliness and isolation. The individual cuts themselves off from emotional connection, which can result in a superficial existence devoid of authentic, supportive relationships.

Why “Out of Sight, Out of Mind” Is Flawed

The idea that removing someone from your life—whether through ghosting or stonewalling—will automatically lead to emotional detachment is flawed. While distance can create temporary relief, the underlying issues are rarely resolved. Emotional connections, especially in deep relationships, are not so easily erased.

This mindset overlooks the emotional complexity of human relationships. The person may be “out of sight,” but they often remain “in mind,” lingering in thoughts and unresolved feelings. Over time, these unresolved emotions may surface in unexpected ways, such as through triggers, unresolved trauma, or even through projecting these issues onto new relationships.

Moreover, avoiding emotional engagement prevents people from addressing their own emotional challenges, which stunts personal growth and can lead to repeating the same behaviours in future relationships.

Better Ways to Cope When Relationships Need to End or Manage Conflict

1. Open Communication: Ending a relationship or managing conflict requires honest communication. While it may be uncomfortable, facing the situation head-on gives both parties the opportunity for closure and healing. Explaining your feelings and reasons for ending a relationship, even briefly, shows respect and empathy.

2. Set Boundaries: If ongoing communication becomes too emotionally draining or harmful, setting clear boundaries is crucial. You can maintain a respectful distance without resorting to stonewalling or ghosting. For example, explaining that you need time and space to process your feelings is healthier than cutting off all contact.

3. Seek Support: Managing conflict or ending a relationship is difficult, and it’s important to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist. Speaking to a third party can help you process your emotions and offer a balanced perspective.

4. Take Responsibility: For those who engage in ghosting or stonewalling, acknowledging the impact of their actions is the first step toward growth. Reflecting on why they avoid confrontation and learning healthier ways to handle emotions can pave the way for more fulfilling relationships.

5. Embrace Emotional Vulnerability: Developing the emotional courage to face uncomfortable situations helps people move through conflict with greater grace and integrity. Vulnerability allows for growth, even in the face of ending relationships or experiencing difficulties.

 

How Silent Treatment, Stonewalling, and Ghosting Are Used for Control and Power

The silent treatment, stonewalling, and ghosting can all serve as tools for exerting control and power in a relationship. When one person withholds communication, they maintain dominance over the dynamic. This leaves the other person in a vulnerable position, often feeling confused, anxious, and emotionally manipulated.

In some cases, these behaviors can be used as punishment. For example, someone may stonewall or give the silent treatment as a way to “teach the other person a lesson” or to avoid addressing their own wrongdoings. This creates a power imbalance, where one person controls the emotional narrative of the relationship.

What Kind of People Use These Defense Mechanisms

People who use stonewalling or ghosting often struggle with emotional regulation, vulnerability, and conflict resolution. They may have developed these behaviors as coping mechanisms to avoid pain, rejection, or feelings of inadequacy. Common traits include:

1. Fear of Rejection: Individuals with a deep fear of rejection may use stonewalling as a preemptive strike to protect themselves from getting hurt.

2. Attachment Issues: Those with insecure attachment styles (such as avoidant attachment) are more likely to engage in stonewalling or ghosting, as they fear getting too close or being vulnerable.

3. Low Emotional Intelligence: People with difficulty understanding or processing emotions may rely on avoidance techniques like ghosting to escape uncomfortable conversations.

4. Narcissistic Tendencies: Some individuals with narcissistic traits may use ghosting and stonewalling as power moves to assert dominance and maintain control over the emotional dynamic of the relationship.

What Should the Giver and Receiver Do

For the Giver:

- Acknowledge the Pattern: Recognize if you have a tendency to stonewall or ghost others and reflect on why you resort to these behaviours.

- Seek Therapy: Engaging in therapy can help you develop healthier coping mechanisms and improve emotional regulation.

- Practice Communication: Start small by learning to express your feelings in low-stakes situations. Gradually work on confronting conflict with honesty and openness.

  

For the Receiver:

- Prioritize Your Emotional Health: Recognize that someone’s decision to ghost or stonewall is not a reflection of your worth but their inability to handle emotions.

- Seek Closure on Your Own: If the other person won’t give you closure, find it within yourself by acknowledging your feelings, journaling, or seeking therapy.

- Set Boundaries: If someone repeatedly stonewalls you, it’s important to set boundaries for your own emotional well-being. Let them know that their behaviour is hurtful and, if necessary, distance yourself from them for your own mental health.

Conclusion

Stonewalling and ghosting may provide temporary relief for those who fear vulnerability or confrontation, but their repercussions ripple far beyond the moment. These behaviors leave emotional scars on the receiver, creating feelings of confusion, abandonment, and unresolved pain. Meanwhile, the individuals engaging in stonewalling or ghosting stunt their own emotional growth by avoiding difficult conversations and using control as a defence mechanism.

The “out of sight, out of mind” mentality may seem effective in the short term, but it fails to address the emotional complexities of relationships. True healing and closure come from open, honest communication, the courage to face discomfort, and the willingness to be vulnerable. Ending relationships with integrity and managing conflict through empathy allows both parties to move forward without leaving behind emotional wreckage.

For those who find themselves using these tactics, it’s important to reflect on why they resort to avoidance and take steps toward emotional growth. For those on the receiving end, recognizing the pattern, setting boundaries, and seeking closure are vital for emotional health. Ultimately, fostering healthy relationships—whether romantic, platonic, or familial—requires the ability to communicate with honesty and respect, even when the situation is difficult.