Infidelity is a hard topic because it hits straight to the heart and is still considered a taboo conversation. So, I am going to tread carefully. I have done my best to bring out dimensions that would lead you to your understanding of it. Deliberately, I have refrained from talking about love and morality in this article because these subjective aspects deter us from seeing infidelity objectively. It is only when we look at it dispassionately that we can move beyond the pain caused by it. Many times, people consider it black or white. But in reality, other shades do exist. My endeavour for this article has been to demystify infidelity so that it is easier to cope with it. I have enlisted the possibilities and experiences that I have had with my clients, and you may find your answers within them.

     Often, we are curious but hesitate to ask, and much information is still not readily available. I recommend that you read this keeping aside your biases and judgments if you truly want to go beyond the pain and find your answers. I have divided this article into five parts:

Monogamy and the Reason Why It Exists

Types of Marriages and Relationships

Why Does Infidelity Take Place

Today's Challenges

Dealing with It

You can Google the terms that you don't understand. Reader discretion is advised.

1. Monogamy and the Reason Why It Exists

Some reasons why monogamy is encouraged in today's day include:

Stability of the Family Unit: A single focus on one partner helps rear children better from an evolutionary standpoint.

Health Benefits: It reduces the risk of life-threatening diseases spread through copulation.

Convenience: The emergence of legal and administrative systems made monogamy convenient. It was beneficial to be in a monogamous relationship for financial, emotional, and social security.

     As human beings, we have an innate need to connect. No matter how hard we try, we still are social, and animal instincts still prevail. Scientists haven't yet deciphered if we are predisposed to monogamy or not. However, the below introspective questions help put things in perspective:

If individuals can have crushes and relationships before marriage, is there any biological, physiological, or psychological change that happens in the individuals post it?

Other than commitment and promises made of never cheating, and the repercussions being the end of the marriage, do you think it's enough to stop someone's innate desires? Do you think urges or feelings stop after marriage?

Have you ever broken a promise? How many people do you know who have? What is the percentage? Do you think honesty is valued in today's world?

Do you think finding "the one" means never ever wanting anything else, ever?

Do you think these factors also play a role: your willpower, accessibility, the environment, and the situation you are in?

2. Types of Marriages and Relationships

You will be surprised at the types of marriages that do exist:

Polygyny: Still legal in many countries

Same-Gender Marriages

Polyfidelity

Open Marriages

Levirate Marriage

Covenant Marriages

Platonic Relationships and Marriages

Shotgun Marriages

Throuple Relationships

Polyamory and Its Various Forms and Hierarchies

Mono-Poly Relationships

     However, due to patriarchal rules and subjugation, monogamy is practised in most parts of the world and is the accepted norm. However, there is an unspoken acceptance of men's physiological needs rather than a woman's. As women are objectified, a common phenomenon seen in South Asian societies is the Madonna-Whore Dichotomy complex.

3. Why Does Infidelity Take Place

     Though there are so many types of marriages and a variety of relationships, the issue is human needs and wants are as diverse and unique as the individuals themselves. I have detailed a list of reasons which lead to potential infidelity. They are as follows:

Marital discord

Revenge for being hurt

Needs not being met

Normal curiosity and exploration

Childhood trauma and abuse resurfacing

Fetishes, kink, and fantasy fulfilment range from BDSM, age play, cuckolding, limits, masochism, nylons, quirofilia, spectrophilia, voyeurism, shibari, etc.

Personality traits and lack of impulse control

Societal expectations and peer pressure

Previous experiences and parental examples

Emotional neglect

Wanting a sense of security post-abuse

Self-sabotage

Narcissism and other personality disorders

Loneliness

Attraction to another gender other than the spouse

Not being able to conceive a child with the partner

Having bodily dysfunction/limitation/scar and wanting to assert one's masculinity or femininity

Addiction, to get a high, adrenaline, cortisol-dopamine-serotonin rush

Pathological/psychopathic tendencies (e.g. paedophilia, incest)

      The above-mentioned list is not comprehensive and is applicable to both male and female genders as well as non-binary individuals.

     Thus, as unique as a person is, there are that many reasons why an individual may indulge in infidelity. Many times, it's moments of weakness or a mistake, and in some cases, it's habitual and predictable, thus making it an aspect of personality. It's very important to understand here that in men, emotional infidelity by the partner is taken more gravely, whereas physical infidelity is considered heartbreaking for women. The reason is, for a man, infidelity is more to do with physical needs, while for a woman, it's more about finding emotional support though this is not gender-specific.

     The reason why many individuals are stuck on an "ex" is because of the familiarity of the known and more so about what could have been—the lost chances—rather than the actuality and reality. Thinking about an "ex" serves as an escape from the present mundane life and something in psychology referred to and explored in two major concepts called as Trauma Bonds & Limerance.

4. Today's Challenges and Perspectives

     Changing gender roles, access to a wide variety of experiences through OTT and other platforms increased access to visual forms of fantasies, work pressures, the pandemic, and easy accessibility to one another compared to our ancestors via social media or increased travel and transport, all these factors have contributed to the challenges faced by this generation when it comes to romantic relationships.

      Permeating boundaries in family units, lack of personal accountability and responsibility coupled with advancement in technology where one can stay anonymous and misuse privacy settings, trends like FOMO and YOLO are also some major reasons that have led to the rise of infidelity.

     Though we have evolved, we fail to see individuals as human beings, which is especially true in strong patriarchal societies. Couples talk about living and dying together forever without realizing the natural human processes that can happen within themselves. Cheating or infidelity is considered a blow to one's self-esteem. Jealousy and possessiveness are portrayed in movies and in real life as being synonymous with love, which becomes a distorted way of understanding and living, leading individuals to have mental health crises. Loops start to play—"I am not good enough; that is why my partner cheated on me"—which is far from the truth, and the spiral continues without realizing the true reasons for infidelity.

     The failure to know one's own self and needs, the failure to communicate those needs authentically to the other individual, the failure of the partner to not be able to fulfil those needs, shaming a partner for wanting certain things from the relationship, bullying or forcing a partner to provide for needs which they can't fulfil, all these are also reasons which lead to infidelity.

5. Dealing with It

     Human beings are very resilient creatures and have their ways of adapting and evolving. The shock of betrayal takes some time to subside, but once you assimilate it, some hard choices are made. It's not just about the couple but about all the people involved in the family unit: children, elders, friends, and colleagues who are affected. This makes taking action post-infidelity difficult.

     Many times, though a partner may know of the infidelity, they may choose to be in denial or ignore it as it is something they don't want to acknowledge or know. In their mind, these aspects of their partner cannot be changed, hence the mind too shuts off. Not confronting sometimes then becomes akin to saving face.

     Forgiving seldom happens—the partner either gets passive-aggressive or stays in the relationship because the relationship fulfils other criteria like financial, social, psychological, or spiritual support. Many times, it also leads to mental health issues if one continues to live in a toxic environment.

The following are some ways that people deal with infidelity:

Ending the relationship or marriage

Emotional detachment and staying in the relationship only for social and financial reasons

Constant fighting and contempt but not leading to the end of the relationship

Legal separation

Living in separate houses

Giving some time to one another and oneself

Changing the form/nature of marriage, redefining, and being more accepting

Having a child, or embarking on a new journey in the hope of burying the pain

Seeking counselling or arbitration

Striking up a deal or a mutual understanding

Staying in the marriage but finding an alternate partner to fulfil needs

Finding a distraction or a sense of purpose other than the marriage itself

Focusing on children and other family members rather than the marital relationship

Indulging in more infidelity

Having contracts in place where one feels financially or socially protected (e.g., prenups, creating a will, splitting assets)

Learning from the mistakes and evolving the relationship to the next level

Finding a sense of purpose/career to live for

Conclusion

      Infidelity is one of the most misunderstood concepts due to the taboos associated with it as well as expectations. However, with divorce rates increasing and many individuals questioning the very institution of marriage, it becomes imperative that we understand the delicate intricacies of the human mind. Why do we do the things we do? Until and unless one doesn't see the other individual as a human being, love will never be able to manifest itself.

      Relationships then only become paracosms where our old wounds get triggered and day after day we live in perpetual cycles of highs and lows, hoping one day we will be free of it. How one deals with or thinks of infidelity or faithfulness is a very personal choice. Understanding your own needs, likes, dislikes, and desires, knowing what triggers you, and the behaviours you indulge in can be tremendously helpful in navigating life's crests and troughs.

     You cannot predict nor see the future as to who will be there for you and who will betray you. However, there are red flags, and there are resources available that you can use to heal. All it requires is you to change your narrative from a victim to a survivor. Narrative Therapy, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, and Inner Child Work have proven to be quite useful in dealing with the aftermath of infidelity.